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Fanfic, Junior's Diary, PG/PG-13, 22/24


4th cycle, 1st day, Anhur era. (Dec 14 1999)

Happy birthday to me, the most awesome symbiote in the universe!

Of course, I am again the only one who celebrates my birthday. I would have thought that after the events of the recent year, my servants would have realized just how important I am. Even if they did not, at least my Jaffa and my closest servants should have mentioned something, should they not?

It is my third birthday! I am a big symbiote!

Where is the cake? Why no gifts? I think I would look good with a blue cape with gold embroidery! I deserve such a gift!


4th cycle, 5th day, Anhur era. (Dec 18 1999)

It was only a few days after my birthday, when an interesting memory came to me. A little over 150 days ago, Cronus came to our base, together with Nirrti and Yu. Then it appeared Cronus had killed my Jaffa's father, and today I was able to access the memory of that event.

That glorious event, and I say that even though I hate Cronus with a fury passion. Because this is something I will one day tease Teal'c with! I will tell him in detail about how his father suffered! Yes, this will be a fitting punishment for all the many times he has slighted me (on my birthdays, for instance), and outright ignored my commands!

Tonight I shall dream sweetly of that day when I will get my revenge!

4th cycle, 17th day, Anhur era. (Dec 31 1999)

I had spent most of the week or so napping, only waking up to take care of my Jaffa's needs (yes, I am very committed to my duty!) Why all this sleep, do you ask? Because it was Christmas again, and my Jaffa threw himself into the festivities with great glee and enthusiasm!

It was horrible! Not only was the base decorated in the same deplorable manner as it was last year, but the music and the smell of artificial cinnamon were no better this year.


Why do I have to suffer through this? How did I deserve a Jaffa that lives among the Tau'ri? No one has such a bad taste as these. No one!

Naturally, I assumed that the holiday celebrations were over around the end of the Tau'ri year. Well, we are talking end of the year according to the majority culture in the 'country' my base is located in - Tau'ri are weird in that they have not only many countries, but also a large number of different ways and styles to count the passage of time. At least that is what my servant Daniel says, and I assume he knows it. Of course, when I (soon) rule this world I will do away with such foolishness and everyone will follow my vastly superior calendar!

I am sure they will thank me profusely!

But I got away from the original point, which was that I had been too quick to cheer. The holiday celebrations were not over yet, just because Christmas was over.

Oh, no. They were then going to celebrate the coming of the new year on their calendar!

At least that is not directly a celebration of a rival deity, but it is the celebration of a rival calendar - one created not by their rightful god, me!

But I digress, they need time to change, I suppose. Yes, I can be magnanimous!


Last year, my Jaffa did not stay on the world of the Tau'ri for this 'New Year's Eve' celebration. He instead left to visit his wife (ex-wife?) and child. Not so this year, but he did not share his reasoning with me, nor did he ask my preference on the matter.

So I had to suffer yet another Tau'ri celebration! Why do they have so many?

*Deep sigh.*

The 'New Year celebration' was held in my servant Carter's house. She has a very big house for just one person. Way larger than someone of her status should be allowed to, and she does not even use it often. She is almost always on the base, just like Daniel. It is something my servant O'Neill always harasses them about, but I must admit I feel their commitment to me is commendable. They spend almost all their free time working - with their admittedly poor talent and skills - to find me new technologies, and people and planets to conquer.

But back to the celebration. It was, as usual, strange to attend such an event together with humans (and my Jaffa, of course). I have always believed that humans should only be at celebrations in the role of servants or performers, not participants, and I know that is the normal view.


However, all things considered, I suppose I shall have to tolerate this for now, though it will earn them black marks in my book.

It was not just humans, though. My underling Carter had invited her father-Tok'ra Selmak, and that had apparently caused more of the accursed heretics to want to attend.

I mean, why do they want to attend a celebration for humans? Do they not have any pride?

The Tok'ra are so strange!

Regardless, there ended up being as many as four Tok'ra present! Selmak, Lantash (who leaves his host in control most of the time and lusts for Carter), Garshaw (the most hunted Goa'uld of all time, who refuses to be called a Goa'uld), and Aldwin (who had a scuffle with me and my Jaffa on the mission to Netu).

See what I had to endure?

Well, I do not doubt that you are aware that this was truly painful, especially since I had to watch several of the Tok'ra help to serve food instead of behaving like normal Goa'uld and let the humans serve them!


So, I shall focus on the New Year celebration itself.

Food - just like for their 'Christmas celebration', they stuff themselves. It was mostly 'buffet-style' food, which apparently means whatever kind of food that can be cut up in small pieces and served on platters. The participants in this particular ritual then take a plate and place a little (or large) amount from most of the kinds of food on their plate. It ends up being a lot, and that is to put it mildly! Teal'c can really balance a huge amount of food on his plate!

It is disgusting!

In addition, there were several kinds of fish and shrimp that I would have liked to try - and maybe the chicken drumsticks. And the sausages. But did anyone offer me any? No! Not even once! I am their god!

Since my Jaffa was wearing a shirt too thick to easily see through, I had naturally gnawed a hole as soon as we arrived, and so I could see all this food on the table. See all the delicious food which no one served any of for me!

Eventually I took matters in my own hands - or rather jaws and fins. I gnawed a hole large enough that I could stick my head and upper body out, and my Jaffa did not even notice! The humans - and Tok'ra - were drunk and did not pay any attention!

Drunk Tok'ra? How embarrassing! Do they like behaving like human fools? Amourous human fools!


Then, the next time my Jaffa went to stuff his plate and mouth some more, I stuck my head out and snagged some of the food. I got a nice piece of smoked salmon, and a good-sized sausage. It was delicious!

It was so easy! And no one noticed! Well, at least not until later, when they noticed the hole in the shirt - and some food stains from the salmon, I believe. Regardless, I believe this is the solution to my problem. I will no longer have to subsist only on 'nutrients' from my Jaffa - I can at least get some variety from other foodstuffs now!

But back to the New Year celebration. The room was decorated in garish colours, with streamers and something called 'balloons'. That is colourful, rubbery sacks filled with air. Yes, that sounds insane, and it is! That is what they consider 'decoration' here.

See what I have to put up with?

They also had a number of 'games', and dances - and loud horrible music. And lots and lots of alcohol.

It all concluded at midnight, when various people kissed each other and cheered each other - and drank even more alcohol. *Shakes head.*

I am trying to suppress the memory of all of it (I do not know what was worst, the image of Garshaw kissing O'Neill, or that of Martouf kissing Carter), but at least the food was good.

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