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Fanfic, Junior's Diary, 1/24, PG/PG-13

Title: Junior's Diary
Rating: PG/PG-13
Summary: Excerpts from the diary of 'Junior' Anhur, Future Lord of the Galaxy.
Characters: Junior
Category: humour, crackfic
Prompt: "Junior". Any episode seen from his POV. What does he think of Jack O'Neill's nickname for him?
Warning: Junior has a somewhat inflated opinion of his own worth and abilities - and a more than warped view on the events around him and his own part in them
Notes: Meant as Christmas calendar, and so there are 24 (short) chapters.
Notes 2: Written from Junior's POV, in diary form. Depending on the situation, the tense may sometimes be past and sometimes present. There will also be the odd parentheses and rarely an *emotion*/*action*.


 

1.

1st cycle, 300th day, Anhur era. (Oct 10 1997)

Because of the importance of my me and my life, and the uniqueness of my experiences, I have decided to document them. I believe now would be a good time to start, so that everyone in the Galaxy can get a chance to learn a little more about me.

After being born, I spent most of my time in a tank at the holy sepulchre, being fed food that was frankly not up to my standards.

Then came the 300th day. There I was - swimming around peacefully and trying to avoid getting nipped in the fins by that upstart Anat (I doubt our Lord Apophis fathered her - she reminds me of my genetic memories of Ba'al!) - and then this... this sacrilegious hassak just plunged a hand down into our sacred home and grabbed me! None to gently either! She had pretty hair, though, but before I can forgive her - magnanimous as I am - she stuffed me into a small metal container! And it smelled bad in here too! At least she remembered to give me some water - if she had tried to suffocate me I would have killed her with my awesome powers!

After shaking my new home around for some time (I will get her for that!) I was again pulled out into the dry world. No more gently this time than before - I believe I may report them for child abuse! They then stuck me in a Jaffa pouch. I had not expected this to happen for many months, but I am strong, so of course I could do it!

Maybe these people are not so bad - they do seem to recognize my greatness, even if they do not show it well. Perhaps I shall not kill them. Yet, anyway.


1st cycle, 314th day, Anhur era. (Oct 24 1997)

That bitch Hathor tried to take over my Jaffa's home base. I debated with myself whether I should pretend to cooperate - she is after all a hot Goa'uld queen and I will need one of those for my empire - but she is also a treasonous snake who would have backstabbed even Ra if she thought she could get away with it.

If Ra had not been killed by the sacrilegious bunch who is still begging me to be allowed to serve me!

She even tried to bewitch me and my Jaffa with her admittedly obvious charms, but with my help my hapless Jaffa withstood her attempts!

She schemed admirably, I must say, but strangely she made no attempt to enlist my assistance. After observing her for some time, I came to the conclusion that she could not be trusted, and in the end I decided to allow my Jaffa and his human servants to handle the matter.

I can do better than Hathor when the time comes! Much better!


2nd cycle, 1st day, Anhur era. (Dec 15 1997)

Happy birthday to me! I am now one year old!

And no one brought me gifts, or even thought to say something nice!

*Pouts.*

Not even my Jaffa gave me a single kind word! Sometimes I do not understand why I even bother helping any of them.

Ungrateful hassaks, all of them!

I have decided to take the day off, and relax. For a whole day I will not do anything about either the light cold that my Jaffa has picked up, or the indigestion he has acquired from eating way too much. As he usually do.

He is right now prolonging his kel'no'reem, thinking it will help. Hah! That is not happening, my Jaffa friend! You shall have to suffer until tomorrow, when I will graciously cure your ills.

Then, perhaps, you will learn to better appreciate me!


2nd cycle, 40th day, Anhur era. (Jan 23 1998)

Today I - again - had to heal my Jaffa. He was just as dim-witted as he usually is and agreed to be punished by some local nobodies with a grudge against their rightful god. My Jaffa made this choice with complete disregard for my life!

I can only assume the evil man hates me, despite my tireless work to keep him in optimal condition, or he is too stupid to realise what would happen to me if he were to die.

If the locals had gone through with their desire to punish my Jaffa, I would have had to take one of them as a host. Do they not understand how taxing that would be for a little child such as myself?

Of course, because of my awesome powers I would have been able to do it. There is no question of that. But it would have been... bothersome.

Thankfully, they realized the error of their ways, and I returned in triumph with my Jaffa and my other minions.


2nd cycle, 47th day, Anhur era. (Jan 30 1998)

Since my Jaffa and my other underlings foolishly ignored my advice - again - we ended up on Tollana. That is the homeworld of the accursed Tollan, of course. As everyone knows, they are a horrible example of humans which have been allowed to advance far too much. If I were in charge, something would be done about that! It will be, of course, when I rule the Galaxy. Then they will suffer and learn they place!

As if this affront was not enough, my underlings decided to go to Tollana just as the planet was experiencing violent volcanic eruptions! Presumably the universe wanted to punish the Tollan for their lack of respect for their gods. That is understandably, of course. Fate catching up with them. Hah!

Unfortunately, the fact that it happened right now, and that we were there, meant that my underlings were endangering the life of me, their god! I can only assume they are all either evil or stupid, most probably both. But that is not news, regrettably.

Quite reasonably I considered killing them all. The question was, how to make them suffer enough for this outrage? Was there even a way to punish them enough for something so atrocious?

Of course, as usual, my legendary mercy won, and I decided yet again to allow them to live. I must be the most kind and understanding god in the whole universe.

One other thing; the underling designated as 'Samantha Carter' spent some time being infatuated with one of the Tollan. It was quite disgusting to observe.

There was one positive part of the whole Tollan mess. To my surprise, the underling designated as 'O'Neill', who is often offensive and hard to tolerate, was quick to see the faults with the Tollan.

Regrettably, he - like the other Tau'ri at my base - did not agree to let their leaders take the Tollan for experimentation and torture. Most regrettable. Do they not understand how valuable it would be to me and my future empire if I had more knowledge of Tollan technology?

Insensitive hassaks!

Then, as a final insult for the day, 'O'Neill' lost all the goodwill he had gotten from me and used his 'nickname' for me. Junior. Does he not understand how offensive that is?

Hassak!



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