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Fanfic, Junior's Diary, PG/PG-13, 8/24


3rd cycle, 10th day, Anhur era. (Dec 24 1998)

The Tau'ri - at least those in the particular culture my human team members belong to - celebrate something they call 'Christmas'. Last year I slept through all their various cultural and religious ceremonies and rituals, because they are all an affront to me, their true god! The Tau'ri ought to worship the Goa'uld, not various other deities!

This time, however, I have decided I will study their rituals and celebrations. It might be useful to see what it is I am up against, but also to learn how to direct my propaganda in order to most quickly turn them to worshipping their true god, me.

Therefore, when my Jaffa went into the mess hall, and I surreptitiously peeked out at the surroundings while he stuffed himself. It is obscene how much food that Jaffa eats!

All around the room there were weird... decorations, I presume. Not that they decorate the room in any advantageous way! There were large, round red and golden orbs, which kind of resembled large long range communication devices, but I know the Tau'ri are too primitive for that. There were also small hideous figures with red hats on! In addition to that, there were garish and outrageous garlands with blinking coloured lights and huge golden ribbons!

Moreover, there were a lot of what looked like spruce or fir everywhere - there was even a large spruce tree in the corner! It was heavily 'decorated' - and I am using that term loosely - with more orbs, just smaller. These 'decorations were blue and silver, which did not improve much. Lengths of fluffy blue and silver garlands snaked around the poor tree, and to top it off there were blinking blue lights on almost every other uncovered part. At the top there was a star.

As if this affront to good taste was not enough, the room reeked of cinnamon. Artificial cinnamon even. The horror! It makes me sneeze!

There were also music playing! Normally the mess hall has no other sounds than the scraping of chairs, talking humans, and the sounds of people shoveling food into their insatiable mouths.

The music was so-called 'Christmas music'. Unsurprisingly, it was as horrible as the decorations were ugly.

Why is it that the Tau'ri find this so alluring? I can only conclude they suffer from some sort of defect.

I believe I have learned enough about Christmas for now! Fortunately, my pouch is fairly well insulated against the sounds and smell, and unless I stick my head out I only see the inside of the pouch. Which is actually kind of boring, but at least it is not full of blinking multi-coloured lights! Thankfully.

3rd cycle, 21st day, Anhur era. (Jan 4 1999)

My Jaffa was given time off during the Tau'ri holiday season and went to see his wife Drey'auc and his son Rya'c. It was as boring as Jaffa life usually are, with the only entertainment being a spat between husband and wife over Teal'c's insistence on continuing the fight against the Goa'uld!

I wonder what the Tau'ri do during this 'time off'? I am firmly convinced they ought to work the whole year. Taking time off for 'relaxing' and such is a clear sign of their depravity and weakness. This will not be tolerated when I rule their world!

'O'Neill', the self-styled leader of our team, only returned to his posting just before we had a meeting with required attendance. Does he not have any sense of duty? At least the geeky 'Daniel' and 'Carter' remained on the base during the entirety of the holiday period, working. That is commendable, I must admit that. Perhaps I should honour them by taking 'Daniel' as my host, and maybe 'Carter' as my lo'tar. Or perhaps even as host for my queen. That is something I must consider.

3rd cycle, 39th day, Anhur era. (Jan 22 1999)

Over the last several days, my underling 'O'Neill' had slowly lost the ability to communicate in his native language, and begun speaking another, little by little. At first I thought he had finally lost it, but some of the words were recognizable, and it turned out he was speaking the language of the gatebuilders. The 'Ancients', as they are called.

Yes, the ones that left all that technology lying around everywhere in the Galaxy - which, I will readily admit is quite useful for the rest of us.

It all started when my team went to a planet which the Tau'ri with their usual lack of imagination had designated P3R-272. The place we ended up was uninteresting, to say the least. A room with no exits, and text in Asgard, Nox, Furling, and Ancient.

Wonderful! Just awesome!


It looked very much like one of those traps the evil Asgard put up for my people.

Even 'O'Neill' recognized there was no reason to linger in this place. He called going there 'an intergalactic waste of time', and I could only agree.

'Daniel', ever the stubborn, curious, but clueless geek - particularly when the timing is the worst - did not want to leave.

That was when 'O'Neill' stepped on a circle on the floor and something activated. A strange device immediately appeared, sticking out from the wall.

Against my advice, my Jaffa looked into it, apparently seeing only swirling coloured lights. As usual he did not think to ask if I might be interested in looking. Why do they never think I might have some valuable input?

Then 'O'Neill' looked into it and the thing grabbed his head! I must say I was happy then that I had not looked in it! Though the others of my team seemed to think it was made to not react to me and my Jaffa due to my presence! I am offended! I guess I should expect nothing else, given how racist the Asgard have always been towards my kind!

Apparently the device deposited a vast amount of knowledge in 'O'Neill's' mind. Naturally, a human mind cannot hold large amounts of information - whereas I am sure mine easily could - so the knowledge began affecting him badly, seemingly killing him.

Whatever. I knew I could always get a better, more loyal underling. One who did not insist on spewing hate and slander about my kind and calling me 'Junior'!

I did not get another underling, though. Instead the programming from the device took control of 'O'Neill' and made him build some sort of power source that gave the chaapa'ai enough power to connect to a planet in another Galaxy! The Asgard homeworld!

Now this is useful! The Tau'ri should have immediately focused on creating more of these devices, because I could certainly use a handy way of travelling to other galaxies! Imagine the large forces I could amass without the knowledge of the System Lords here! I could return to conquer them without them suspecting a thing!

I could also go and remove the Asgard pest! Every Goa'uld in the Galaxy would thank me. Except the Tok'ra, I suppose. They are probably friends, given the Tok'ra will even befriend the Tau'ri!

The Tau'ri now had a way of travelling to the Asgard homeworld, but did they ask me if I wanted to come? No, 'O'Neill' just left, without saying anything. Granted, the Ancient programming had probably complete control at that time, so he may not have been able to communicate in words, but surely he could have found a way of offering me to follow with him!

Unless he worried the Asgard would harm me? I suppose they might try. Not that I would let them, of course!

After some time 'O'Neill' returned, alive and well - and as himself again. He told us he had talked to the Asgard. Unfortunately, all the extra information he had gotten from the repository was now gone. I was so disappointed! I had hoped to gain access to it and use it!

That is so unfair!

By the way, 'O'Neill' seemed to think the Asgard are nice guys, but I am sure he would think differently if he knew they abduct humans and perform experiments on them! Humans and others, actually. Such insolence!

Perhaps it was good I did not go with 'O'Neill'. If the Asgard had seen perfection such as me, they might have wanted to keep me for experimentation. Of course, I could not have permitted something like that, but it would have been bothersome to have to eradicate them all.

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