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Fanfic, Junior's Diary, PG/PG-13, 12/24


3rd cycle, 166th day, Anhur era. (May 29 1999)

My team had been given some time off after a 'hard' mission (Tau'ri are so weak!). During part of this time my Tau'ri team members had decided to show me and my Jaffa some examples of typical Tau'ri life.

Yes, I know how boring that sounds! I considered vetoing the whole thing, of course, but my Jaffa was so very enthusiastic about it, and I suppose it might be educational to see some more of this planet. If nothing else, I get to see some of the future host-options I have.

So I magnanimously agreed to their plan, and we left for the first of three 'outings'.

We were going to go to something called an 'amusement park'. Of course, I feared I would not be amused. The Tau'ri have such primitive ideas of amusement, and I doubted there would be either naked dancers, performing sex slaves, or other typical entertainment.

Unsurprisingly, I was right. Much of the place was boring, and it was also filled with torture instruments of an hitherto unknown degree of cruelty and creativity. Even Ba'al or Sokar would be impressed. I had not expected the Tau'ri to have such ingenuity in this matter, and for a short time I almost respected them.

Then I realized they were just more perverted than I had ever dreamed possible. These torture implements were meant as entertainment, and not just by watching others endure them, which would have made sense, but also for using on yourself!

Yes, they willingly sit in devices that will rotate you at high speed, while moving you up and down, or even shake you. Upside down. Or sometimes just drop you from a high height!

My three Tau'ri underlings seemed to find all of this to be great fun, particularly O'Neill, who were willing to subject himself to the worst of the devices and just laugh at it. I had not known he was so brave. Foolish, but brave.

Naturally, my Jaffa had somewhat more sense and refused to allow himself to suffer these implements. O'Neill kept trying to convince him, dare him to try even, and unfortunately he finally succeeded.

We found ourselves strapped into a cart of some sort, with a bar that pressed uncomfortably against my pouch and preventing me from safely peeking out to see more than very little of what was going on. This only made the experience worse. I realize the need for some sort of safety measures, or one would be slung from the cart, but could they not have chosen something a bit more civilized, like a forcefield?

Before I knew what was happening, the cart started moving. Alarmed, I attached more strongly to my Jaffa, sinking my fangs into a place in his pouch that seemed sturdy. My Jaffa jumped at this, clearly not liking it. Well, he has only himself to blame, subjecting me to this! When I take a host, my first action will be to punish Teal'c for doing something so horrible to me!

I was then remained of my worry that I would one day have to take Teal'c as a host, since he does not usually give me many opportunities to select something better than a Jaffa. Well, if that happens, I shall not just suppress him, but also make him suffer!

The cart continued climbing, but just as I had started getting used to the sensation, it suddenly plunged down at great speed, zipping along the unsafe track and turning a corner so hard my Jaffa was slung against O'Neill (hah!) and forced to cling to the bar pressing against me.

People around us screamed, predictably. Then they squealed happily! O'Neill laughed! Then Teal'c made a sound I have never before heard a Jaffa make. He squealed like a young human female! Disgusting!

The cart continued along the track for a time that seemed endless, repeating the action of plunging down suddenly and then careening around way too sharp curves. Eventually, finally we stopped. Very hard, but at least we were alive. I felt like throwing up.

I hate my Jaffa and the rest of my teammates. I shall make them suffer for this! For a very, very long time!

3rd cycle, 167th day, Anhur era. (May 30 1999)

I was understandably wary when we started on the next 'trip'. What new devilry would they expose me to?

This time we were going to something called a 'Zoological Garden', or abbreviated to 'ZOO'. Yes, I believe I have mentioned it before, but the Tau'ri have problems with long words.

When we had entered the place, I peeked out briefly. The 'ZOO' seemed safe enough - there were no signs of the large torture devices seen in the amusement park, at least. There was something worrying, though. I suddenly heard the sound of a large predator growling, and I am convinced I smelled it too!

I soon came to the horrifying realization that there were indeed large predators nearby! Straight ahead of us - and with only a laughably inadequate fence - were several large tigers. Tigers!

I mean, I know there are some Goa'uld who have tame tigers and other large predators as pets. It is a somewhat ludicrous idea, but to each their own. There are also entertainers who have performing wild animals, but I cannot say I care too much for the idea. Regardless, those creatures at least have some training, but these seemed undomesticated. In addition, there were no Goa'uld owners nearby who might have kept the critters under control.

You cannot trust humans with something so dangerous!

Why do my Jaffa and my other teammates continue to put me in danger?

We looked at the tigers while they were being fed - which was somewhat entertaining, I shall readily admit to that, even if I had preferred them to be given a live goat or something like that. I would have liked to see that!

Yes, as usual, no one asked me what I wanted to see, and my team just went from one enclosure to another, observing the animals inside.

So a quickly realized that a 'ZOO' is the same as a garden of exotic animals. Why did they not just say so? My Queen-mother has seen a few such places, but they all had the animals safely behind force fields. Not only is much of this 'ZOO' unsafe, but there are also some enclosures that are hidden behind a wire fence grid, making it hard to see the animals well.


All of this did not stop my team from walking around for hours, looking at the various creatures. Most of the lifeforms they have in this place are fairly mundane. There were only one or two that I did not have any genetic memory of. Why do they not have any interesting creatures? Like Berengarian dragons or Ikka fire wolves, for instance. Those are some of my personal favourites. They may be too much to handle for mere humans, I suppose.

One thing I have enjoyed on these 'vacation trips' is that it is, for once, warm enough that my Jaffa is only wearing a thin shirt - or like yesterday, one with buttons all the way down. That is great, because it means I have a much better view than normally, where I either have to peer through cloth and get a murky view, try to look out under it, or gnaw a hole. I have often done the latter, of course, but my Jaffa always complains! Even when I have only made a tiny little hole! How did he think I was going to see what was going on? Tau'ri uniforms are horrible in that matter! It is boring in here!

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